The Joys of Shopping...
by Acacia Xavia
Summary: Between the Malfoys, the flirting and Voldemort in drag, shopping in Knockturn Alley may never be the same again... (Challenge fic)


Justin Finch-Fletchley and cheese have to be incorporated in

Voldemort must wear a frilly pink dress and insist on being called "Mistress of All Things Dark"

Dumbledore must listen to the Backstreet Boys

McGonagall must flirt with Lucius

Voldemort must be kicked where it counts three times

Justin Finch-Fletchley must be told that he is "super sexy, yo yo yo"

The thing must end with the line "So, you see, I had to pop the German men. Because they were going to burp at the sky."

The Vampire of DOOM must be mentioned

It was a rather lovely day in the beginning of August, and Diagon Alley was brimming with activity. Well, it was actually overflowing with activity, judging by the fact that the runoff was being shunted into Knockturn Alley and being none too happy about it. It was in Knockturn Alley that Draco Malfoy and his father Lucius were attempting to rebuild the Malfoy stockhold of Dark Magic Supplies And Other Random Cool Things. Draco, as usual, was begging for things that there was no way in hell his father was going to buy.

"Father…Oooh, Father, can I have one of _those_?"

Lucius turned around for what felt like the millionth time, trying to see what Draco wanted _this_ time. To his surprise, Draco was pointing at a -

"A platter of gourmet cheese?"

Draco nodded. Lucius swore inwardly, wondering just _when_ his son had taken such a turn for the weird. At least it wasn't an overly _expensive _platter of cheese ((not by Malfoy standards, anyway)). Lucius flipped a couple of Galleons toward his son, who ran into the shop and came out looking pleased with himself.

The triumph didn't last for long, however. Draco was promptly attacked by a boy with curly hair and an odd little gleam in his eyes.

"CHEEEEEEEEEEEESE!"

"_Justin_! You're ruining my platter!" Draco screeched at the crazed child assaulting his cheese. Justin looked up at the pale boy for a moment, then took the platter away and tore like hell in the direction of Diagon Alley.

Draco, however, wasn't about to give up on that cheese yet. "Justin! I have to tell you something important!" Justin came trotting back warily, still holding the platter of cheese. "Oh shit," Draco muttered, trying to think of something to say. "Uh…you're super sexy, yo yo yo!"

Justin's eyes grew huge. Lucius, who had been watching this entire scene, wasn't sure who to Avada - Justin, his son, or himself. He was temporarily distracted by an odd sensation on his left arm. It wasn't the usual burning of the Dark Mark. He wasn't sure _what_ it was. He started to roll his sleeve up slowly. Justin apparently saw this, because he switched his stare from Draco to his father.

"That's a real pretty tattoo, Mr. Malfoy," Justin said. "Why'd you get it done in pink?"

Lucius stared at his arm, refusing to believe it. The Dark Mark, rather than burning black, was an interesting shade of Day-Glo pink.

Draco went to his father's side, leaving Justin to pig out on his cheese. "Father, you've told me what it means when it's red. You've told me what it means when it's black. What does it mean when it's pink?" Justin paused in his eating and came over to have a better look.

"Oh, why doesn't everyone just _stare_ at the Death Eater?" Lucius snapped.

Anyone who wanted to stare at a Death Eater soon had no problem doing so, because they all Apparated in Knockturn Alley in a few minutes.

"Lucius," Avery said, "it's never done _this_ before. What is it?"

"Yeah, Lucius, what does it mean?" Macnair asked.

"Why is everyone asking me?" Lucius asked, incredulous. No one ever asked _him_ for advice. He was feeling pretty damn proud of himself, until Nott piped up - 

"Because we figured that if someone had screwed up the system and made the Mark turn pink, it would _have_ to be you." Lucius was glaring lightning and trying to come up with a witty comeback when they were all slightly distracted by another figure Apparating near them.

This figure was tall, dark, and thin, wearing a lovely dress with lace at the collar, wrists, and hem. The dress was of a resplendent pink, and the person wearing it would have been very pretty indeed, if the person wearing it was not a male that went by the name of Voldemort - which it was. All the Death Eaters proceeded to hastily cover their eyes. Justin jumped into Draco's arms, burying his face in Draco's robes.

"M-master…" Wormtail stammered. "What have you…"

"Silence!" Voldemort shrieked. "I am no longer your master!" Several jaws dropped in shock, and a few were ready to protest until Voldemort continued, "I am to be referred to only as The Mistress of All Things Dark!" Everyone who did not have a jaw that had hit the ground promptly acquired one, except for Goyle. Goyle, being the moron that he is, just had to test Voldemort's mistress-dom by kicking him where it counts. Voldemort let out a shriek of pain and started Crucio'ing everyone in sight.

"Well, he certainly sounds like a mistress now," Draco said, before his father grabbed him by the wrist and started to drag him away from the chaos. Draco dropped Justin on the floor, and Justin took off of his own accord, stooping to pick up his cheese as he went.

"Father, what are we -"

"Don't be a prat, just _run_!" Lucius yelled. "This is worse than when Crabbe pissed off the Vampire of DOOM!" Draco didn't think he really wanted to know about that, so he just followed Lucius.

Which was slightly unfortunate, since Lucius quite literally ran into Dumbledore and McGonagall. They stepped back, trying to apologize as best as Malfoys can, when Draco noticed something.

"Father…what's _that_?" He pointed to Dumbledore's rather interesting-looking headgear. No, not his hat - a Muggle DiscMan.

McGonagall rolled her eyes when she saw what Draco was pointing at. "Ever since he heard of this Muggle group - the Backstreet Boys, I think - we haven't been able to get him away from that blasted thing." She looked up, noticing the rather loud screams from Knockturn Alley. "Draco Malfoy, do you know anything about - " By this time, Lucius had a solid grip on Draco's arm again and was trying to drag him off. "Sir, I have to ask you to leave this boy here!"

Lucius turned and glared at her. "He's my son, and I'll take him where I want. If that's away from this place, so be it."

McGonagall did something surprising then - she turned an interesting shade of pink, not unlike what was still glowing on Lucius' arm. "Oh…so _you're_ Mr. Malfoy…a pleasure to meet you…" she murmured. Her hand moved up to rest on his arm. "Draco never told me that his father was so…mmmm…"

Lucius' eyes widened immensely. "Er, madam…"

McGonagall started touching his shoulders, then she leaned forward as though she had dropped something, giving Lucius more of a view than he had wanted. He started trying to think of things to stave her off.

"Er…I'm gay. I'm married. I'm married to a man…"

"Lucius Malfoy!" Narcissa, Lucius' wife, had apparently shown up in time to hear that last remark. "You watch your lying mouth!"

"Yes, dear..."

"Married to a man, indeed!" She moved to kick Lucius, but Diagon Alley was so overly crowded, she was jostled and missed. Instead of Lucius, she had managed to nail the guy to his right. The one in the frilly pink dress…

"Damn it, honey, I appreciate the gesture, but we just don't knee the Dark Lo - er, the Mistress of All Things Dark. It tends to piss him off." With that, Lucius grabbed his wife and his son and took off running again. They ran until Lucius remembered that, oh yeah, he could Disapparate. And he did, taking his family with him.

McGonagall watched Lucius run off into the massive sea of people, then she herself turned and kneed Voldemort ((aka, The Mistress of All Things Dark)).

"You _suck_!" she screamed. "You made him run away!" With that, she turned and Avada'ed a rather random group of German tourists. She turned back around, got a good look at exactly who "The Mistress of All Things Dark" was, and fainted. Voldemort gave her an odd look while he winced in pain, then he and his Death Eaters Disapparated.

By the time that the Magical Law Enforcement Committee showed up to take McGonagall to Azkaban, they asked her just why she had felt it necessary to Avada a rather random group of German tourists. Problem being…she had gone completely mad over Lucius leaving and the sight of the cross-dressing Dark Lord. Her statement ended with something that sounded like

"So, you see, I had to pop the German men. Because they were going to burp at the sky."


End file.
